25. club nintendo picross plus (eng fan patch)
i've loved picross since mario's super picross landed on the switch around 6 years ago, but i've not played very many games in the series. this game was my first time completing micross puzzles, and i enjoyed them.
at some point while playing this game i recognized the hollow feeling i thought i'd shed and realized the sheer depth of this all. it was not crushing. it did not crash down on me. it just was there, so quiet that i didn't hear it enter, claws dull.
what a nightmare. to feel like this is as good as it's going to get, and know that i'm right. my eyes would gloss over the screen, looking for somewhere to continue the puzzle. i like it, it's good, big picross fan, but as a lifetime peak? the best i can muster is finding something to distract me from the terror of reliving that night again and again forever? and even then, not at all effectively? this is it.
every day is the same. i've been completely incapable of picking my life up again. every little inconvenience feels like another pound of mass on top of the weight of that day. every little victory feels erased by it. she threatened me, and i was scared, and then she put her hands on me, and i got hurt, and then she called the police, and i thought they were going to kill me, and then she refused to acknowledge any of it. nobody is looking out for me. anybody can hurt me and they won't feel bad and they'll get to keep their easy fun life and i'll just drown like i always do.
why am i struggling? what good am i looking for, after? when is after? i cannot picture a single day across the entire rest of my life where i'm not being haunted by this. anyone, at any time. i'm underweight and fragile. i'm paranoid. it's not unrealistic at all that this will be the rest of my life. plenty of people have been ruined. i'm ruined. i'm ruined.
i consider suicide often. beyond the difficulty in living with the paranoia, i've found the sort of flashbacks i experience every few minutes to be completely out of control and beyond my absolute highest threshold for pain. every day feels like the one, and every time i go to sleep feels like not cleaning a dirty room until you can't see the floor, or not seeing a dentist until a toothache hurts every day, or not getting up to eat something until you feel sick.
tomorrow will feel like the one. the next day, too, i'm sure, assuming it's not tomorrow after all. this is untenable. i wonder if i'll give, and if i'll give soon. the day does not feel far. i could've figured something out if she hadn't put her hands on me. if she hadn't done any of the immensely crushing things she did. well, maybe. it's not like i think she was wrong (i'm certain now i was put here for violence, interactive buddy-style) but i could've gone a while longer without knowing it. it's the clarity that's killing me. well, it's a lot of things. imagine something so enlighteningly awful happening to you that you can say with certainty there will not be an afterwards. an eye-opener that will be the rest of your life. how could i have thought there was anything else.
"micross," which they later renamed "clip picross," is a mode where you solve a bunch of smaller picross puzzles to form a larger picross. sort of a mosaic. i was doing the second of the 3 micross puzzles in this game when i realized there wasn't going to be an after. it's as good now as it will be forever. that is to say, it's very, very awful.
i dated a girl for like 2 years and we broke up and she begged me to stay just so she could try to kick me out behind my back the next day and then she refused to delete videos of me she took without me knowing so i knocked down a bunch of her lego sets so she tried to have her friends jump me and then she grabbed me and threw me into a wall and a door and then she called the cops on me and now she pretends none of it happened and she faced no consequences and i lost a bunch of friends and i'm scared of other people and i feel like i'm dying and i think it's permanent.